The Alliance Alive is a SaGa game made by sane people and is good

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 5:54 pm

But this thread isn't about The Alliance Alive

Strap in, we're going to hell!

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 5:54 pm

Only references to the finest TV shows for me

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:02 pm

YES

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:05 pm

FUCK YES I DO

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:09 pm

I'm picking Intelligent because 1. this is a story about mech piloting so who cares about being physically fit we are and 2. this is a visual novel so there is no such thing as being socially adept

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:11 pm

That was the shortest, but best, character creation I've ever done

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:15 pm

One thing to note: This game has full voice acting for everyone except the protagonist. This will become an issue later.

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:16 pm

Oops.

I may have to start over with a new name.

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:20 pm

Man, this is a bad line to start on. However, I will say that Ace Academy's prose is a cut above the typical VN's. Not that that's a high bar to clear.

West Filly · Post by **West Filly** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:21 pm

HERE WE GO AGAIN

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:21 pm

The thing Ace Academy manages to do that all the other trash VNs don't is that it manages to give the self-insert character a hint of voice and personality. It's not much, but considering what a barren wasteland all the other games are, this is refreshing.

West Filly · Post by **West Filly** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:23 pm

A restless sleeper? This is full blown somnambulism you're witnessing

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:23 pm

An internal monologue that almost sounds like an internal monologue! It's a Christmas miracle!

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:25 pm

They display your sister's full name

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:26 pm

I'm tempted to be a grumpy piss-ass the entire time and see which girl that ends up attracting

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:27 pm

Laying down the SICK BURNS on your sister

West Filly · Post by **West Filly** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:28 pm

Her jacket is kinda growing on me.

That's a cute jacket.

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:29 pm

I'm pretty sure the expression is "eyes go wide" or "go wide-eyed". Eyes growing wide just sounds like some body horror stuff.

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:30 pm

Is this something a person would take offense to? It's not something you can control, and deviated septums (septa?) affect tons of people

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:31 pm

I was gonna dive into this set of sentences here, but the more I dig through it, the less sense it makes.

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:31 pm

yuck that is a bad sequence of words

West Filly · Post by **West Filly** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:32 pm

No snoring, $400 fine, SNORING IS VERBOTEN

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:33 pm

When I said that the internal monologue sounds like internal monologue, it's not consistent. Having the sun shine in your eyes is fucking annoying, nobody would treat it in such a blase way.

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:35 pm

Second sentence, I'll give a pass. It's not amazing, but the writer is trying. Third sentence, though... trees beyond the coast? Are there trees growing out of the ocean now?

West Filly · Post by **West Filly** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:38 pm

So there's a forest island off the coast, got it.

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:46 pm

ABORT

ABORT

ABORT

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:47 pm

I know real people repeat themselves like this, but this looks bad in writing.

But remember, this game has full voice acting. It's so much worse when somebody's reading it.

West Filly · Post by **West Filly** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:47 pm

Did she just fart?

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:48 pm

And then Jake Jortles jumped out the window and flew back to his home planet.

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:49 pm

Important writing note: Nobody from the USA actually says "The States"

West Filly · Post by **West Filly** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:49 pm

God I hope so.

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:51 pm

I recently went over my old writing blog, and it's rife with bad-but-trying phrases like "trying to keep the worry out of her face". Would it be hypocritical of me to come down on this writer for writing that? Yes. Luckily, I am a hypocrite.

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:52 pm

After sitting through this for the second time, I'm realizing what it is.

"Emotion verbs the body part"

Let's see how often this happens

West Filly · Post by **West Filly** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:53 pm

I find it quite strange that your sibling just stands there in the middle of the train with her hands by her side the whole time.

West Filly · Post by **West Filly** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:54 pm

There's nothing in her posture to suggest personality, connection with you, or what's going on in her mind. Instead she has this rigid pose that makes her look more like a china doll than a character.

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:54 pm

This was the point where I realized this game was going to be thread material

West Filly · Post by **West Filly** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 6:56 pm

Looking at the conventions used here, does the name at the head of the box imply you're saying this to your sister?

These are the thoughts you keep inside, Jake.

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 7:00 pm

As brief as this sentence is, it still has too many words. "Bombarded by noise" already evokes the necessary feeling; "cacophony" is just redundant at that point.

West Filly · Post by **West Filly** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 7:03 pm

I like how the windows stick out on that train model. It's as though the train is wearing many pairs of thick rimmed glasses.

Also something seems familiar about the platform. I think this art asset was used in another VN, and the train may have been added later?

Fartlord Dunktronix · Post by **Fartlord Dunktronix** (?) » Fri May 04, 2018 7:06 pm

I get that you're building a scene of foreigners walking into a crowd, but there is SO FUCKING MUCH of this before we ever get to the academy and it is just so boring