RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Dec 15, 2020 3:20 pm

Edit: It was a technical problem and I got to have my session. I’ll be seeing her twice a week from now on, one day on trauma and the other about gender.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Dec 23, 2020 7:50 am

New therapist pulled the same “being pro-Trump is just a different opinion” and low IQ horseshit that that one psychiatrist did, so instead of waiting around in dread and misery for a year before dealing with it, I cancelled all of my upcoming appointments, told her boss I don’t want to work with her and why, and I’m just going to learn to do meditation properly, read up on whatever clinical materialsI can get on my conditions and how to properly deal with them, and just give up on HRT for good because everyone is dead set against writing a letter for me and I’m tired of ramming my head into bureaucratic walls after 10 years of this fucking bullshit.

Nobody thinks I should have it? Fine, I’ll go without. I’ll already have to go without meaningful relationships because I’m codependent as fuck and now have that to deal with on top of everything else, what’s going without a bunch of prescriptions when nobody respects my identity anyway. I’m so fucking tired.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Dec 30, 2020 2:13 am

having another breakdown because at this point I’ve lost all hope that anyone can actually help me or that I can actually do the work to change

I’m a lost cause, forget you ever knew me, I don’t think it will be hard, I’m just another disembodied text voice and this place is fucking dead anyway

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Wed Dec 30, 2020 2:55 am

I'm not gonna forget you. You're a good woman, Madeline.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Sage (?) » Mon Jan 04, 2021 9:11 pm

Recently, I've been drawing more. My goal was to get to 90 completed pieces in my drawing folder and I'm currently at 93 or 94? Only took me 5 years to do. I want to draw more this year since I maybe did 1-3 pieces per every other month last year. I still panic when I draw too much of someone's body, can't draw full body without having a mild meltdown but I'm getting there.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Jan 11, 2021 10:56 pm

I wish there was a place where I could go where I felt like I belonged, but there isn’t one. At this point I think I’m done with communities and other people. It’s just not worth it to me to struggle and struggle and try so hard to make friends and fail over and over again because I get scared too easily.

I’m sorry for wasting so many people’s time and energy over the last lifetime.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Tue Jan 12, 2021 8:59 am

Madeline wrote:
Mon Jan 11, 2021 10:56 pm
I wish there was a place where I could go where I felt like I belonged, but there isn’t one.
I'm sorry you don't feel like you belong here, especially as a lot of people, myself included, appreciate your presence. But if you feel that leaving would be best for you, I wish you well.

Even if you need to step away from online communities for a bit, the wording of your last sentence (originally, if you edit) makes me concerned for your safety. I don't feel that you have wasted my time or energy, and I imagine many others feel the same way as I do. I really do wish you well and even if I don't get to interact with you again here, I hope others get that privilege in the future when you're ready.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Jan 12, 2021 10:38 pm

I’m sorry, I just think I’m beyond help. The whole last decade was me trying and failing multiple times to get out of this house because I’m too weak to confront my parents. I’ve failed like 12 times now with therapy and I’m right back where I started, with no means to attain financial self-sufficiency and with unchecked mental illness. People don’t know what to say so they avoid me and leave me feeling more isolated than ever, when I don’t push them away so I won’t hurt them.

I’m a lost cause

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Wed Jan 13, 2021 8:53 am

Madeline wrote:
Tue Jan 12, 2021 10:38 pm
I’m right back where I started
It sounded like you just found a new therapist about a month ago.

If a problem/interruption came up with that, you can vent in Pony Joe's or ask for help...well, we don't have a dedicate asking for help thread in this iteration of the forums, but either here or there is probably fine.

But if that's still able to continue, I'd encourage you to give that relationship more time to grow and help you.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Wed Jan 13, 2021 5:22 pm

Madeline wrote:
Tue Jan 12, 2021 10:38 pm
I’m sorry, I just think I’m beyond help.
Are you sure about that? It's taken me over a decade to where I only just (like, as of yesterday) feel like I'm actually starting to be a functioning adult for once, and that was with a lot of help from friends who saw in me what I couldn't see in myself. Your troubles could very well be blinding you, too.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:20 am

diribigal wrote:
Wed Jan 13, 2021 8:53 am
It sounded like you just found a new therapist about a month ago.

If a problem/interruption came up with that, you can vent in Pony Joe's or ask for help...well, we don't have a dedicate asking for help thread in this iteration of the forums, but either here or there is probably fine.

But if that's still able to continue, I'd encourage you to give that relationship more time to grow and help you.
It’s already over because the therapist decided that I was being catfished by my ex because she helped me get a phone so I could get telehealth therapy the first place; doubted my own gender feelings because I had stubble; and told me that all the MAGA stuff is “just a different opinion” (which, well, if you don’t know what a fucking fascist coup looks like or won’t condemn it, I’m not going to speak to you). Second time I’ve heard that line from a therapist. Also what kind of trans-femme-patient-treating therapist doesn’t expect to see some 5 o’clock shadow occasionally on a telehealth appointment that occurred right before 5 PM? It’s not like I’m going to shave twice a day, I need new blades as it is but I won’t be able to get them until I get the stimulus. (Which was supposed to be mailed to me last week but at this point I feel like I’ll be lucky to even get it, considering it was mailed on the day of the insurrection.) The catfishing thing was so offensive to me, “how do you know she lives in [X] country,” um, because I literally got a package from her from that country once (in a Secret Celestia no less, so uh it would be an incredible catfish to somehow manage to be anonymously assigned to me to give me gifts just to string me along, I’m paranoid and even I’m not *that* paranoid.) “Oh, you’re neurodiverse so you completely lack the ability to tell when you’re being lied to.” Not after being lied to a million times by members of my immediate and extended family. Just, fuck, I was so upset.

I emailed the clinic about it and they were sympathetic and offered me the chance to see one of the other people, but I let it lay for a bit (a couple of weeks? I’m not even sure what time means anymore) and they haven’t gotten back to me yet, so I’m assuming I have to restart the process, again, for the nth time.
Fizzbuzz wrote:
Wed Jan 13, 2021 5:22 pm

Are you sure about that? It's taken me over a decade to where I only just (like, as of yesterday) feel like I'm actually starting to be a functioning adult for once, and that was with a lot of help from friends who saw in me what I couldn't see in myself. Your troubles could very well be blinding you, too.
I don’t know, and I mean that literally. I have no idea. I wanted to be free from this before I was 30 but I kept getting fired or quit from shitty jobs that never lasted for more than a couple of months. The gaps in my resume are bigger than my entire work history and college put together. My own psychiatrist is like “no, you’re not ready to try [X],” whether X is a relationship or spending more than 40 minutes around people I don’t know, and that’s without the quarantine I’m doing until I can get vaccinated.

She might be right, too, I dread having any kind of appointment over my head to the point where it costs me sleep every day, even ones that only happen 4 times a year. I’m already nervous about recertifying my student loan payment plan in March even though the process takes maybe 10 minutes.

Even now when I’m not catastrophizing like I was the other day I feel like I would be dishonest to give a yes or a no. I know I have a ton of negative cognitions so in that sense you’re right, but I keep running into new things that I don’t know how to do or how to handle and that’s without adding on all the terrifying bullshit that’s going on in the world. Blocking every news site/forum/thread doesn’t help, I’m still aware of it because I hear about it from other people.

I started out in 2017 thinking I was going to fight and finally have some kind of a job (even if the search was hard) and feeling fired up, and now 4 years later I feel like a beaten up old mule, I’m constantly having serious crisis episodes every other week, I can’t go to a hospital even voluntarily because there are no beds here and the virus hasn’t hit its new peak yet, just everything seems terrible and I feel weak and hopeless and doomed.

I feel like an ass for being all “oh hey if I can fall into a relationship anyone can!!” like a patronizing doofus and then immediately having things go bad because I have about 8 million more triggers from abuse than I thought I did. Which isn’t my fault, but even on the rare occasions when something good seems like it’s about to happen, it goes wrong, and that’s happened so many times that I feel like trying to be optimistic or positive is just setting myself up to be punched back down. I feel like maybe I’m pompous or so oblivious that I sound pompous, that writing anonymous love letters in 8th grade makes me a creep now because I did something creepy at 14, it feels like some new thing pops up in my head every day to make me flashback just because the goddamn news (which is unrelated to me!) won’t stop.

Like what can I do other than look for help again? I’m doing that so what else is there? I can’t seal myself off from the world and it would be dangerous to do it right now, even if my mental health might temporarily benefit, my physical health might not, based on the makeup of my neighborhood and how many Gadsden flags there are here.

Sorry, I just feel so hopeless. This is like living through 1968 or 1939 or 1861 or some shit. I have never seen anything like this.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Fri Jan 15, 2021 5:00 am

Madeline wrote:
Fri Jan 15, 2021 4:20 am
I don’t know, and I mean that literally. I have no idea. [...]
And that's fine if you don't, as long as you recognize the possibility. I know I'm certainly not certain about all the answers in life, not certain if I'll ever "make it." Acknowledging that makes it easier for me to face my worst fears, the thoughts that tell me I will never succeed in life and will amount to nothing, and tell myself that I could very well be wrong about that. Maybe keeping that in mind could help you, too.

I'm glad you're also acknowledging the pandemic we're in. For a year now we've all been in the worst conditions in over a century, in a situation virtually no one has any memory of. In tough times like these, when we have to completely change our way of life, I feel our expectations and standards must change along with them. To expect the very same of ourselves as in good times would just bring woe.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Jan 28, 2021 12:53 pm

Fizzbuzz wrote:
Fri Jan 15, 2021 5:00 am
And that's fine if you don't, as long as you recognize the possibility. I know I'm certainly not certain about all the answers in life, not certain if I'll ever "make it." Acknowledging that makes it easier for me to face my worst fears, the thoughts that tell me I will never succeed in life and will amount to nothing, and tell myself that I could very well be wrong about that. Maybe keeping that in mind could help you, too.

I'm glad you're also acknowledging the pandemic we're in. For a year now we've all been in the worst conditions in over a century, in a situation virtually no one has any memory of. In tough times like these, when we have to completely change our way of life, I feel our expectations and standards must change along with them. To expect the very same of ourselves as in good times would just bring woe.
A lot of this has been brought on by not only world events and the plague, but also by trying to start over in a new community. Instead I behaved exactly the same way I have here and am ending up basically leaving while framing it as “taking a break” because I don’t want to repeat at least one mistake (calling attention to it by saying “I’m leaving” to which people will just shrug and carry on because I’m a rando, it doesn’t mean anything for better or for worse, they have their own lives and aren’t spending them wondering what Random Poster Y is doing).

I feel like all my self-abuse is rooted in the plain old abuse I experienced, because the leverage was always validation and approval, and that’s the only way Imknow how to get it. Unfortunately I’m not really sure of how to make friends. Even here I’ve always felt kind of uncertain because I was/am way too emotionally invested and kind of burned the friendships I made here first, and there’s no going back to that status quo. 2013 isn’t coming around again and there are white hairs popping up on my head now. The best I can do is just keep trying to get back into therapy, try to do it for myself so some of it sticks, and, well, I don’t have any plans beyond that.

I’m just disappointed by how little I’ve changed, you could find an old RUSP post from 8 or 9 years ago and compare it to stuff I was posting this week and it would be more or less the same in content. I feel a little like I’ve been reduced to begging for friends, which is kinda not great by itself, and really not great combined with how I post about myself. People don’t want to know. Why should they? Who wants to play unlicensed therapist when everyone’s already struggling? So I feel caught by this enormous catch-22, in which I’m constantly struggling between pushing people away and wanting to make friends, and nothing happens, and the lonelier I feel the worse it gets.

I don’t know what, if anything, I can do about this beyond what I’m already trying to do. But it’s hard not to feel hurt by the, I don’t want to call it rejection. It’s more like “indifference.” Someone I thought I was close friends with turned out to have been kind of not as close to me as I thought and put off by my negativity and busy with their own life, so I’m just going to do my best to not interact with them again much so I don’t make things worse (which is awkward because they also post here sometimes but I’ll manage it), other people were hurt and angry by the way I behave, most people just didn’t even know or care who I was (and, again, I’m not framing that as a complaint, if they didn’t know me at all why should they know or care who some stranger was? It would be kind of weird if they did care).

I don’t know. I don’t know where else to go other than here and I’m afraid to spend too much time online in case I get emotionally invested and worried refreshing the page over and over again. I don’t really like Discord a whole lot but I feel obligated to have an account because everyone else does, but I keep leaving every server I get invited to or wishing I had after I have an outburst. I left the PPPP server again last summer after like one day out of panic but I’m not sure if anyone even noticed I’d come back or left in the first place.

So, yeah, the entire experience of the last 8 months or so have left me feeling completely deflated and hurt and sad at how I jump into every new situation being dead certain that this time will be different and I won’t make the same mistakes again, and then I make the same mistakes again and end up more or less by myself. Also most of the time they’re mistakes that other people have repeatedly pointed out to me that I make.

I want to feel hope that I can change, but right now I don’t feel anything but crushed.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Thu Jan 28, 2021 2:13 pm

They say that no matter where you go, there you are. Even if you join new places online, to improve yourself I feel you still need to be able to recognize and change your behavior. That's easier said than done, of course, and it seems you recognize that from your experience.

It's true that not everyone wants or has the means to provide peer emotional support and advice, but that doesn't necessarily mean those people don't want to be friends with you, I think. It's one thing if someone you considered a friend hurt or betrayed you or someone else you cared about, but if it's just someone stating their boundaries, then maybe that person still cares about you. You might very well have more friends than you think, even if it's hard to see from where you are, and perhaps they can point you along on the way to self-improvement.

I still have you as a friend on Discord, if you want to use it again.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Feb 03, 2021 6:07 pm

Well, I’m already gearing up for another try at therapy. I actually got off of a wait list, I was under the impresssion that this never happened after last year when I was on them forever (probably due to the pandemic :nngh: lots of pain and suffering going around these days, it’s horrible). I have a better feeling about it this time.

At least I’ll have an outside party to point out where my thinking is distorted and help me work on it again, that’s a good start.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Wed Feb 03, 2021 9:37 pm

Nice! Thanks for the update and best of luck
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Feb 10, 2021 8:04 pm

Therapy went very well. She’s super nice, in the LGBT community, and didn’t make me feel judged or interrogated, and best of all, she told me to tell her if I feel she’s getting too off track or I disagree or something feels bad.

I think this time it might work.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Feb 21, 2021 7:44 am

Struggling a little bit, for various reasons. Therapy dredged up some really unpleasant feelings and experiences. I’m really feeling caught between the way I didn’t realize how much my posts in these threads could have affected other people and made them feel uncomfortable or upset, and the way that I just wanted to feel seen and cared about. Because I don’t get that much outside of my mom. And it does strike me as funny (in a weird way) that I was far too open so many times, even complained about my lack of consensual experiences because I was in denial about how abuse could be a part of my life, and yet I don’t really like feeling vulnerable so I deflect other people with polite nothings all the time. Especially if I’m not sure if I can trust them.

But I feel really vulnerable and alone right now because doing this homework has me really going through some emotions. Trying to keep them confined to communications with my therapist, so we can talk about them this week and also because she’s getting paid to deal with it while none of you folx are.

Don’t even know if anyone is reading but I have to talk about it or it’s just going to hurt more from keeping it inside.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Sun Feb 21, 2021 2:55 pm

I'm glad to see you're giving things a shot. Good luck on your current therapy journey.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Sat Mar 06, 2021 4:43 pm

I haven't mentioned it as much on the forums, but last month I started what is my first job since graduation, working from home. I earned my first paycheck from it yesterday, so that's an enormous source of anxiety gone.

I'm making this post mainly because I wanted to share the Pomodoro Technique, a time management solution that's been a big help in keeping me on task. The gist of it is that when you have things to do, list them out somehow and set a timer for 25 minutes, then start working on one of them. When the timer's up, take about five minutes to go do something else and clear your mind, then get back to work for another 25 minutes. After four of these cycles, take about half an hour off, then get back to it. While you're working, if any distractions come to mind, mark them down for review later and get back to whatever it was you were doing, then later you can decide if what you thought of is something you really need to do.

It helps me because I have a hard time getting started on work I need to do. By telling myself I can get to work for 25 minutes, then I can have some time to goof off later, it makes it easier for me to get started and gives me an outlet for whatever other random junk I might think of during my work. It doesn't always work with every aspect of my job (meetings, especially ones that go over an hour, are hard to stay on task through), but it does help. And now that I have my own health insurance for the first time ever, when that kicks in next month, maybe I can actually go get mental health treatment and see if this all (including the troubles I had back in school) is a case of ADHD or something else that can be treated.

The author of the Pomodoro Technique published a book about it, but before that he wrote a free PDF explaining it, so go there and take a look if this seems like it might help you too.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Mar 11, 2021 10:47 pm

Welp people are sick of my ass everywhere, tried out something my therapist asked me to do and everyone ignored it. That was all the answer I needed.

Goodbye internet. Not killing myself but I’m fucking done with socialization. I was happier when I lurked everywhere and never spoke to anyone. People aren’t worth the emotional investment or fear.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Fri Mar 12, 2021 8:22 am

Madeline wrote:
Thu Mar 11, 2021 10:47 pm
Welp people are sick of my ass everywhere, tried out something my therapist asked me to do and everyone ignored it. That was all the answer I needed.

Goodbye internet. Not killing myself but I’m fucking done with socialization. I was happier when I lurked everywhere and never spoke to anyone. People aren’t worth the emotional investment or fear.
I am not sick of you but wish you well wherever you go. But I also hope you've discussed this decision with your therapist so that the full context and consequences can be weighed by a third party.

In particular, your "everyone ignored it" suggests you made a post or something somewhere on the internet, and I worry that either you're not taking into account other factors that could lead to "everyone ignored it" (e.g. is the place too low or too high traffic?) and/or that it's not reasonable to give up on the results of this one experiment. But this seems like something for the therapist to help evaluate, not me or even you alone.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Mar 13, 2021 4:27 pm

Continuing my meltdown by finally admitting to my ex that I hate her and every other fucking person who’s happy for her and her new GF including all the fucking ponygoons like Perrydotto who cheer them on and love them because they obviously think I’m a flaming sack of garbage.

I’ve been so fucking angry and hurt and NOBODY FUCKING CARES

MY THERAPIST DOESN’T EVEN CARE

BECAUSE I’M A FLAMING SACK OF SHIT

NOBODY THINKS I AM WORTH ANYTHING

I FUCKING DESPISE MYSELF FOR INVITING HER TO THAT FUCKING SHITHOLE AND LOSING EVERYTHING

I WISH I WAS DEAD

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Sat Mar 13, 2021 5:44 pm

Madeline wrote:
Sat Mar 13, 2021 4:27 pm
Continuing my meltdown...
I don't know any of the context, but at the very least I can say
  1. I'm sorry you're hurt and hope this spike in pain passes soon.
  2. It's extremely unlikely that your therapist doesn't care.* Without knowing the situation, I can't predict whether they're unaware of the issue, or showing that they care in a way that is hard for you to recognize, or...
  3. I think you have worth and encourage you to call a hotline if needed to keep yourself around.
*Edit: Also, if you feel like your therapist doesn't care, then I would recommend you follow her advice:
Madeline wrote:
Wed Feb 10, 2021 8:04 pm
[therapist] told me to tell her if I feel she’s getting too off track or I disagree or something feels bad.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Mar 14, 2021 1:03 pm

I screamed at my ex for absolutely no reason so she hates me now and deservedly so, so I guess apart from you and one or two other people I can think of, that’s about it for the list of people who cared whether or not I existed. Even my therapist won’t answer my messages.

I’m fucking garbage, CSA turned out to be a death sentence for my brain, just let me go

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Sun Mar 14, 2021 1:05 pm

I don't hate you. Your therapist is probably busy with something else. You're not garbage.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Mar 14, 2021 11:51 pm

I wish I was less careless and angry and paranoid when I get scared. Also I would like to be scared less often.

My therapist never did get back to me. Feels a little bad.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Mar 15, 2021 10:47 am

Okay I feel like a horse’s ass for being back already, because I do this all the time. But my therapist absolutely does not want me to abandon all social contact. And also I feel lame for saying that, like I’m trying to deflect, but it is what she said, I’m not good at this
Last edited by Madeline on Mon Mar 15, 2021 6:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Mon Mar 15, 2021 11:12 am

I'll miss you too.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Mar 15, 2021 6:04 pm

I’m, since I can’t abandon social contact, is there anything proactive I can do to avoid upsetting people like I have in the past? Spoilers, hidden text? I already know I can’t post like I did this weekend again because it makes me feel worse too.

not sure what you, also I am incredibly sorry, also also people are free to laugh and/or roll their eyes at me being back already if need be, god knows I’ve done this shit often enough, I’m sorry

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Snowfire (?) » Mon Mar 15, 2021 7:30 pm

Madeline wrote:
Mon Mar 15, 2021 6:04 pm
I’m, since I can’t abandon social contact, is there anything proactive I can do to avoid upsetting people like I have in the past? Spoilers, hidden text? I already know I can’t post like I did this weekend again because it makes me feel worse too.

not sure what you, also I am incredibly sorry, also also people are free to laugh and/or roll their eyes at me being back already if need be, god knows I’ve done this shit often enough, I’m sorry
I'm not a mod Madeline, but I'm assuming spoilers would be fine if you want to. But remember that what you are going through is what this thread is for. It's not just for posting about getting better. Because depression is not that simple. You're gonna stumble and have really bad days. That doesn't mean you've failed or that we hate you or that we are tired of hearing about what you're going through.

It would be one thing if you weren't seeing a therapist and we were your therapists, but you have taken the initiative to do that. That shows that you really do want to get better.

Please don't stop posting. I am always glad when I hear that you are doing better, and I hope that you continue to improve. :flutterunsmith:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Tue Mar 16, 2021 7:12 am

Snowfire's right. If it helps you to let it all out like that, this thread's the place. And I'm not writing this to say "you shouldn't have said all that" or anything, but rather to acknowledge what you said about your previous posts over the weekend making you feel worse upon reflection.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Mar 17, 2021 2:55 pm

can’t talk to anyone without melting down and doing harm to myself and others, so I’m just going to revoke that privilege from myself and withdraw from people after all

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Fizzbuzz (?) » Wed Mar 17, 2021 8:03 pm

Madeline wrote:
Wed Mar 17, 2021 2:55 pm
can’t talk to anyone without melting down and doing harm to myself and others, so I’m just going to revoke that privilege from myself and withdraw from people after all
Are you sure about that, at least when it comes to hurting others? I at least am willing to listen, and I get the feeling that more people than you might imagine are willing and able to do the same as well.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Mar 17, 2021 8:40 pm

Fizzbuzz wrote:
Wed Mar 17, 2021 8:03 pm

Are you sure about that, at least when it comes to hurting others? I at least am willing to listen, and I get the feeling that more people than you might imagine are willing and able to do the same as well.
I mean it seems to be a widely held opinion elsewhere, but then my therapist disagrees, and at that point I throw my hands up in the air. Ironically I got hurt and triggered by someone else who was hurt and triggered by that behavior. Nobody wins. I was already depressed because I saw bad shit about the jet stream this morning, and climate change is already something that makes me feel like there’s no point in surviving, but now I get to consider what an awful person I am for yet another reason.

I just, what can I even do? My therapist is busy so she can’t always get back to me in a timely fashion. Crisis chat makes you wait in a queue forever (grim in and of itself) and hope you don’t time out. I don’t know what to do anymore.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Mar 18, 2021 10:47 pm

Therapy went okay today and I feel a little bit better because we have a roadmap for the next little while. Some of it is just knowing that it’s okay to not be instantly cured and learning how to cope takes however long it takes. I always felt pressure to be better instantly for other people, online and off, but I should have been doing it for myself. But because I have to work with her, and not just listen to her tell me about mindfulness or w/e, I feel like I’m doing more of it for myself now, at least. We’ll see how it goes, I don’t want to jinx it this time.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Octavia (?) » Fri Mar 19, 2021 11:24 am

Remember that it's okay to not be okay.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Mar 27, 2021 3:03 am

It’s already turning into a terrible weekend. I’m trying to get my meds adjusted and do something about the fact that I can’t sleep no matter how much exercise or sunlight or vitamin D I get. None of my docs have responded. I’m wide awake and have no one to talk to and I’m lonely and miserable.

Got turned down for bagging groceries and delivering pizza this week. It’s pathetic. My therapist was like “write a short story and sell it on kindle for 99 cents” but I’ve talked to too many people who can’t get anyone to read their full novels even when they put them on sale for a buck or put them on unlimited. Just another rigged game, like everything else in this fucking garbage society.

I’m so fucking lonely but there is no way in hell I am putting myself out there again. I was a fucking paranoid dick accusing everyone of everything when I wasn’t cowering in fear. Therapy is not really helping a lot with that and I was hoping it would. I feel like I’ve been steadily getting worse since 2018. But then I think 2016 broke me for good. I don’t believe in anything any more and I feel like I’m just waiting for my turn to die.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Snowfire (?) » Sun Apr 04, 2021 5:28 pm

I am so fucking tired of getting upset that my mom STILL is having an issue getting my pronouns right, and then having my sister gaslight me by saying that I am "ungrateful" and that I should give her more time to come around, despite the fact I came out to her last February. My brother feels the same way (although he didn't gaslight me, he just thinks I need to give her time too).

My sister also throws the fact that my mom has given me a lot of money over the years in my face, when I haven't even asked her for any money in months. If I was an asshole like her, I could bring up the money my parents spent on my sister's horses whenever she gets upset at my mom. But see, when SHE'S mad at my mom, it's justified. When I'm mad at her, I'm just an asshole.

Oh and she also claims that I never do anything for her, despite dropping everything I'm doing IN THE MIDDLE OF MY FUCKING WORK DAY to go fix their Internet or computer or whatever electronic shit is wrong at their house. But my sister doesn't think that counts because it's just "pushing a few buttons".

And I get to do all this again next weekend, because I need to go shopping again with my sister, and next weekend is the only time she's home. Great...
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Apr 08, 2021 8:13 pm

Really cool and good how I feel like people’s deliberate lack of response to me makes me feel like they fucking hate me and wonder who hates me and how much

Especially when they’ve known me for years and know I have RSD among many many other problems

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