RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

[Snowfire]

Really cool and good how I feel like people’s deliberate lack of response to me makes me feel like they fucking hate me and wonder who hates me and how much

Especially when they’ve known me for years and know I have RSD among many many other problems

No one hates you Madeline, I can assure you of that.

You have to remember that lack of response doesn't mean that people don't care about you. It's just sometimes life happens and we don't have an opportunity to respond.

[diribigal]

Really cool and good how I feel like people’s deliberate lack of response to me makes me feel like they fucking hate me and wonder who hates me and how much

I'm sorry you're feeling this way and want to emphasize that not responding in this thread is not evidence of people hating you. Reading and especially responding in this thread takes energy, emotional and otherwise, that not everyone has/feels like investing at any given moment.

Especially when they’ve known me for years and know I have RSD among many many other problems

I don't know who this is intended for, but even if someone knows you have RSD, 1. not having the energy to respond to stuff here is not rejection and 2. It's not someone's responsibility to respond even if they can predict how you might feel, even if they like you and care about you.

[Fizzbuzz]

I recently experienced something that helped me enough to where I want to talk about it somewhere less ephemeral than Discord.

This past weekend I found a thread on SA where, in response to someone asking about ways to self-medicate ADHD, a goon was suggesting a combination of caffeine and L-theanine, a substance found in tea and other plants, and sold as a dietary supplement. I went looking around and found multiple other anecdotal accounts of it working for some people to reduce anxiety and improve concentration, especially when taken with caffeine, and so I kept it in mind.

On Monday I received word from my training program that they lined me up for another job interview on Tuesday. Interviewing gives me severe anxiety normally, enough that it gets my heart racing (90-100 bpm at rest ) and just leaves me aching and feeling worn out, from the moment I wake up on the day of an interview until when I'm done with it. Remembering what I read, I went out to Kroger on Monday, got a bottle of L-theanine right off the shelf, and had some with coffee the next day.

It was incredible. I'd been feeling the usual sense of panic that morning, but once the caffeine and L-theanine kicked in, the panic was completely gone. My heart rate dropped back to normal, I stopped feeling so tense, and with my mind no longer feeling like it was running in circles at a million miles an hour, I felt like I could actually concentrate on giving a good interview. I came out of the interview feeling better than I ever had, and I got word on Wednesday morning that the people I interviewed with liked me too, and thus I was hired.

For years I've had y'all and others tell me that I was "worth it," that I was nothing like what my worries and cognitive distortions said I was. I believed you, but I always had a voice in the back of my mind telling me all that was wrong, I am worthless, etc., and I was never sure how to respond. Now, though, I feel like I've finally experienced what I'm truly capable of, like being free of anxiety for such a high-stress event revealed the truth. It feels like I can finally answer that voice with a lived experience proving that I am better than that. It feels like things really will be better for me, going forward.



(If you read this and feel like you'd like to try L-theanine as well, I recommend seeking medical advice first, if you can. I feel weird about shilling for magic pills, since even though they were so effective for me (or at least gave me an incredible placebo effect), they might not be for you. Read that article I linked, do your research, and decide for yourself whether you'd like to try them instead of trying them just because of me.)

[Madeline]

Strong CW: Suicidality

I survived my second serious suicide attempt.

I just got back from 8 days in the hospital. I don’t have a clue what to do with my life because the hospital staff said I have a good therapist and psychiatrist already, so since I already had appointments set up beforehand, I don’t really have to do anything new.

Being human is super fucking hard for me. I’m just exhausted.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

Oh shit, I am so sorry. I don't know how helpful this is but I am glad you're still here. If there's anything I can do to help don't hesitate to ask or talk to me about stuff.

[Mr. Big]

Oh dang. I'm so sorry.

I'm glad to hear you're still here.

[Mechanical Ape]

I'm so glad you're still here, Madeline. I've always thought you were great and I still do.

It's okay to not have a plan for your whole life. One day at a time, one moment at a time, is all you need to live. Thinking about the past and future can be exhausting -- it's something I've been struggling with, badly, for the last week. I hope you find yourself able to enjoy and find peace in the moment.

I want the very best for you.

[Snowfire]

I'm so sorry Madeline.

If there is anything you want to talk about, let me know okay?

[Madeline]

Oh dang. I'm so sorry.

I'm glad to hear you're still here.

I'm so glad you're still here, Madeline. I've always thought you were great and I still do.

It's okay to not have a plan for your whole life. One day at a time, one moment at a time, is all you need to live. Thinking about the past and future can be exhausting -- it's something I've been struggling with, badly, for the last week. I hope you find yourself able to enjoy and find peace in the moment.

I want the very best for you.

I'm so sorry Madeline.

If there is anything you want to talk about, let me know okay?

Oh shit, I am so sorry. I don't know how helpful this is but I am glad you're still here. If there's anything I can do to help don't hesitate to ask or talk to me about stuff.

Thank you, kind folks. I am not doing great ATM, the aftermath and treatment took a lot out of me and I haven’t got any spoons. But your love and support means a lot <3

I’m not sure how long it will take before I feel chattier again, and also my treatment plan says that I shouldn’t be spending much time online right now, but I didn’t want to leave people hanging.

[Princess Flufflebutt]

Okay. Take your time. Thanks for giving us updates!

[Mechanical Ape]

I appreciate your giving us an update. Now take as much time as you need, whatever you need to for as long as you need to, in order to heal and thrive.

[Mr. Big]

Something I realized recently: I do NOT know how to handle personal embarrassment well, no matter how minor.

[Madeline]

I trigger people when I talk about my feelings, and there is no way my situation can improve because I can’t do anything about any of my major stressors. Therefore I’m going to continue to be a toxic person. So I’m cutting myself off from all of my communities to avoid hurting anyone else.

[Snowfire]

I trigger people when I talk about my feelings, and there is no way my situation can improve because I can’t do anything about any of my major stressors. Therefore I’m going to continue to be a toxic person. So I’m cutting myself off from all of my communities to avoid hurting anyone else.

Madeline, if this is because of what happened in the Discord server, you did absolutely nothing wrong. That venting and support channel is meant for exactly what you used it for.

When we tell you that we have experienced similar feelings, we aren't telling you to "shut up because you're hurting us". We are telling you that we have felt the same feelings you do and that those feelings are valid. And you are most certainly not toxic.

If you need to take time away from us, then that's obviously fine. But just know that you are welcomed back in the Discord server whenever you want. Just let us know.

[Madeline]

My brain is falling apart and also I made it worse by getting paranoid and pushing more people away. Also my therapist keeps cancelling appointments and won’t get back to me.

I feel like everyone is rightfully sick of me and don’t know what to do anymore because I obviously can’t trust myself

[Madeline]

My meds are going to get adjusted again. Might be nice if I actually saw any changes whatsoever to my mood or from GAHT

[Madeline]

cw: serious mental health crisis stuff, mention of suicide

i’m fucking tired of being alive and every mistake I make makes me feel worse that EMTs saved me last year. like, I’m trapped in a shitty living situation, have no way or ability to support myself because I’m physically and mentally disabled af, every time I try to socialize is a complete disaster because I fundamentally don’t understand people.

11 years of therapy haven’t helped, meds barely do, I’m trans so society fuckin despises me at best and sees me as a dangerous threat at worst, there is nothing I’m looking forward to and no one for me to care about or to love me and miss me and make me reconsider. I fucked my chance up so bad it was over in weeks.

Just, starting to go to bed every night hoping I never wake up.

What makes this worse, is that my brain keeps giving me dreams where I have a partner and we travel and support each other and I wake up into a life that’s a goddamn shambles and a mockery of living. I’m 45, I’m too old and burned out to care or be attractive, why do I have to keep contorting my brain to try to make it behave in acceptable ways just so someone might allow me to do something I fucking despise doing with all of my being just in order to not die on the streets

this isn’t a life. It’s a fucking joke, just like me. I try so hard to get my shit together and under control and hey hey all it takes is one comment and it’s like I’ve been stabbed in the chest all over again and then it’s all back to square one while I refuse to do anything or talk to anyone for years on end. I need way better help than I’m getting, my therapist cancelled on me at the last minute so many times this year so far that I think she’s getting ready to ditch me.

but even if I manage to find someone who understands my particular flavor of brain bads and can help, how many decades do I realistically have left? 1? 2? 3 max? And they’ll all be spent alone and friendless because I live with controlling misanthropes who mistrust everyone and hate to let me leave the house

lmao

[Madeline]

so wimpy and unable to confront people that I can’t even figure out how to be a homeless runaway again without getting the cops called to find me within hours

because I’m never unsupervised

I fucked up so bad by not leaving when I had the chance, I’m so sorry to everyone that I fucked that up, there’s so many people I owe apologies to and none of them are in my life any more for good reason because of me

Every time I try to do things better, it gets shut down. Try transitioning finally? Time for it to finally explode into a fascist dogwhistle and for them to associate it with pedophilia so I am fundamentally unsafe in most parts of this fucking dump of a country

I don’t make good decisions

I need better help so bad and the thought of trying to go through the entire search/wait list process again is fucking killing me, it took me a full year last time and I was actually trying

I feel like I’m drowning all over again, except the creepy kid who wanted to do shit with his fingers and then “accidentally” knocked toddler me off the dock is not around and it’s air not water, but sinking just the same

What if my brain’s so bad that I can’t tell what’s real and what’s not anymore

if there is a God please help me because I’m a trashfire and I’ve hit the limits

[Blarghalt]

Somehow, this is still only the 2nd-worst birthday I've ever had.

Last savings are gone, behind on every bill, and no closer to finding a job. I really have no idea how I'm going to survive now.

[Madeline]

things just somehow keep getting worse

but I don’t have anywhere to go and people just make me feel dumb for the stupid things I say if I say anything anywhere

can’t blame that on anyone else, I’m just stupid as fuck

p much don’t see a point in anything any more

[Madeline]

I can’t do anything right

why do I even try

[Madeline]

.

[Madeline]

Nobody’s gonna fuckin read this on a dead message board but I’m just gonna vanish from the internet once I’ve figured out what the bare minimums I need beyond banking and prescriptions are. Nobody’s going to notice or care, and it’ll stop me from spiraling online. I’m so miserable that even my family can’t wait to get out of conversations with me, and they frequently just turn their backs on me and leave me alone in a room. I’m never going to be able to do any better now that I know I’ve got 5 years or less, so on the off chance my death might actually upset some hypothetical person (though I doubt anyone would be upset or even notice any more), it’s better to just randomly disappear and be forgotten.

Ikm sorry I was such an amazingly shit friend and shit person. I wish I could have done better for all of you, especially Piney, London, Fluffles, and Mr. big. I’m sorry I failed you all. Goodbye.

[Madeline]

fyi deleted discord as well to make a clean break for everyone

in retrospect, I was always creepy and annoying and bad at everything