RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Fri Jun 08, 2018 7:47 am

Making this a separate post since I wasn't sure if you were actually asking for suggestions or not.
Madeline wrote:
Fri Jun 08, 2018 5:26 am
my current excess of free time allows me to unhealthily obsess over everything.
Madeline wrote:
Thu Jun 07, 2018 3:00 pm
I just don’t know what to do when I feel lost and directionless all of the time...So then my options are to play a video game I’ve already played (because I can’t buy new ones), see if I can find a sketchy streaming site or just hit up YouTube, read the Internet and get depressed, or read a book from the library. I can’t write when I feel like this and I don’t have much else to do. There aren’t any free classes I can take going on right now in my city and I’ve already been to all the free stuff a zillion times. The paintings and exhibits I looked at last week aren’t going to look any different this week. I don’t want to be outside in the afternoon because it’s summer and it’s horrible, I only go out mornings and at night.
You can learn something/develop new skills, and many options have zero cost (at least if you're already getting internet).

You could work on something physical that has cheap/free props like conventional exercise, juggling, or maybe something like tricking/breakdancing if you have a safe surface to work on.

You could learn new facts (e.g. watching documentaries/history lessons on youtube, reading about obscure topics).

Do you have any interest in board-games? You could get into something traditional like Chess or Go or Backgammon. Or play "German-style" games on something like BrettspielWelt.

Since you mentioned video games, there are lots of free video/computer games worth playing, both in the abandonware sphere and the free indie sphere.

There are plenty of free sites to help you learn/develop new skills like programming, or a foreign language, or physics or linguistics or...

There might be local meetups that happen at night that would interest you (either on meetup.com or some other site).
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Jun 08, 2018 11:12 am

Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m not doing well and it’s not my forum or thread. This always happens when I post here, going back six years now. I’ll stop.

This is not a rejection or passive-aggressive or a threat to leave or anything negative like that. I just know I’m not doing well and I need a break so it doesn’t get worse.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Fri Jun 08, 2018 11:24 am

Madeline wrote:
Fri Jun 08, 2018 11:12 am
Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m not doing well and it’s not my forum or thread. This always happens when I post here, going back six years now. I’ll stop.

This is not a rejection or passive-aggressive or a threat to leave or anything negative like that. I just know I’m not doing well and I need a break so it doesn’t get worse.
Take whatever time you need. Just remember that you're always welcome. This is your thread and everyone's thread as long as you think it can help.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Fri Jun 08, 2018 11:55 am

Do what you think is best for you. I'll be rooting for you! :hug:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Fri Jun 08, 2018 12:39 pm

You're always welcome here, Maddie. Take a break and relax, do what you need to do for self-care. :hug:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Fri Jun 08, 2018 12:59 pm

We'll be here whenever you need us, we're glad to help in the extent that we're able. Be well, Madeline, you are lovely. :hug:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Jun 11, 2018 4:32 am

I'm feeling really messed up in the head right now. It's like everything in my life is falling apart around me, even though any objective look at my life would find nothing wrong at all. I'm in such a rut that I feel like everything I try is doomed to failure. For example, I've spent almost a year now writing and re-writing the beginning of a story. Yesterday, I finally finished what might make a good prologue/first chapter. It clocks in at a pathetic 1179 words. For that much time and work and effort and pain. And I haven't even had anybody else read it yet. It's almost assuredly garbage, and I'm terrified of showing it to anyone.

I switched gears from working on game dev stuff to writing again to keep from burning out, and because I can already feel myself hitting that same barrier I hit with all of my game projects. I can nail a gameplay concept really well, but can't create the art or story or design required to progress any further. Instead I just get to add another item to the failure pile.

I just don't know what to do. I took all this time off of work to sort out my brain, and yet it might not be enough. I'm trying to do health things and keep occupied, but everything I do just seems tainted. In a few weeks I'll go back to work at Walmart, and who knows how long I'll last before I break down again. Or if I'll even be able to recover in time in the first place.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Mon Jun 11, 2018 5:31 am

Do you have someone, counseling or otherwise, to discuss safeguards with so you have plans for when you do go back to work? Especially now, the more people you got in your boat the better, like your parents as well. It's not shameful or defeatist to do that. Anything that improves your chances to be okay is valid.

Also, your creative efforts are not failures. You seem to have a very harsh, binary way of looking at the things you make and I think it sounds quite counterproductive. Saying "I'm not as good at making stuff that's not gameplay concepts, clearly I'm a failure and anything I make is a failure" is very far away from the truth. Same as for saying "what I write is likely garbage". You just tell that to yourself as if that's remotely true. The only point of reference you have is a brain who tries to keep you down a lot due to mental illness, how realistic can that be?

The efforts you invest into the things you care about are never, ever wasted. Nobody, no matter how experienced or skilled you might perceive them to be, makes only good things. Most of what they make is also rough and unpolished and maybe will never be better than that. But they still keep making things, you just don't see all the supposedly poopy stuff usually. Creativity isn't a race where only people who you perceive to be amazing are allowed to make stuff. You have your own voice, your own efforts, and I really hope you try to believe more that those have merit and worth, because they absolutely do. Instead expecting yourself to meet the standards of some kind of really unfair perfectionism will never lead anywhere useful.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Jun 11, 2018 6:27 am

I have an intake with a new therapist on Friday. Hopefully we'll be able to work some plans out then.

Sometimes I wish I was as brave as all the people who post shitty fanfiction all the time. Hell, years ago, I was someone brave enough to post shitty fanfiction. The problems came when I first started posting here and learned to recognize bad writing and realized that my past work was, in fact, shit. I'm terrified of ending up like the people riffed on in the fanfic.txt thread or the various visual novel threads, so it's incredibly difficult to actually work on my stories. I have so many ideas in my head all the time, and I really care about them. Sure, 90% of them are derivative and self-indulgant, but I can't help but feel that they deserve better than me.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Mon Jun 11, 2018 6:40 am

Your ideas are worth caring about, is the thing. And they are not worse off because you came up with them - They are your ideas, made with your voice, and that's 100% valid and worthwhile. I can't say that enough.

Never forget: Everyone makes stuff that's derivative and self-indulgent. People who claim they aren't are simply indulging other stuff they care about. If we don't enjoy the stuff we make, what's the point of making it? Life is dumb and tosses a lot of garbage at us, nobody has the right to tell us NOT to enjoy ourselves whereever we can. Creating things we enjoy is a powerful and personal tool for enjoyment, and nobody can understand what you like better than you can. I fully sympathize with your fears because I struggle with similiar worries of being inadequate and bad at what I make. I think it's safe to say it's stuff every creator struggles with. But at the same time, I'd like to encourage you to see the value in what you make and not be ashamed of enjoying stuff. Life sucks enough as is, why not enjoy yourself? When all we do is telling ourselves that we suck and shouldn't indulge, that's a 100% chance of things feeling bad. Sharing it with others, the risk of being torn down is most definitely not 100%. It's far less than that. So even if it doesn't feel that way, your odds are way worse if you keep yourself on too tight of a leash.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Jun 11, 2018 7:14 am

I guess what it comes down to is the competing desires of wanting to make something that others will enjoy, and wanting to shield myself from negative reactions to my work. I have to actually put myself out there if anyone is ever going to enjoy my work, but my every instinct is screaming at me to just bury it and never try anything ever. It's a very stressful thought process, and I'm not sure how to break it.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Mon Jun 11, 2018 7:37 am

I can only speak for myself and I really can't say whether this could work for someone else or not, but for me it's been all about realizing more and more that I'm sick of being ruled by my fears and the vague threat of folks being potentially mean to me. I think I've basically just hit a critical mass of missed opportunities and feeling pissed at creators who are assholes getting glory. I think of the people who'd enjoy seeing someone like me down and quiet, and I want to defy them. I want to defy my fears, I want to defy those who'd think I'd amount to nothing anyway. I'm basically sick of being sick of it all, if that makes sense. I don't care if my motivation is petty, it's been more helpful at breaking me out of my paralyzed mindset than other stuff has been.

That doesn't mean I'm not afraid anymore. I still really am, and I still hide more stuff I've made or given up more often than not. But I'm not giving up on myself, and I'm letting myself see the next opportunity instead of telling myself I shouldn't bother. It's an ongoing struggle and I got no easy recipe to beat it, but I'm giving myself a chance in the first place, which is already better than I used to handle it. I'm not a failure just because I've not gotten as far as I've wanted. I'm still around and kicking, and that's already something, even if it doesn't feel that way.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:11 am

I kinda have the opposite problem. Most people in my life expect me to succeed. I've been held to high standards as an extremely intelligent, capable person, as a carryover from my high school days, even when all of my adult life has shown that I'm anything but. The risk of putting myself out there isn't in the people who don't think I'm worth anything being right, it's in the people who believe in me, like you, being wrong.

I just want to say thanks, though, for putting up with this little breakdown all morning. I really appreciate the advice. :flutterunsmith:

I guess I should just... suck it up and post my work somewhere? Not sure where though, or as who. One way around my biggest fears would be to post this under some other name in some other place, where there are no expectations of me and no strings attached. Problem then is that nobody I know gets to see or enjoy my work either. Where to post is the other problem. Tumblr is the easiest option, but it's not really suited to long-form storytelling. I want to avoid the common fanfic websites, too, since I'm writing something more or less original. I guess I'll need to do some research and figure it out.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Mon Jun 11, 2018 8:48 am

I sadly don't have much concrete advice in terms of where to post writing online, since it's not really my field of expertise, but I'm proud of you for trying to figure things out still and for not giving up, even though you might feel it's the only real option. You deserve those chances. Trust me, you won't disappoint me or others believing in you. We don't believe in you because we expect perfection, we believe in you because you are worthwhile without being perfect.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Quanta (?) » Mon Jun 11, 2018 4:04 pm

Perpetual Lurker wrote:
Mon Jun 11, 2018 4:32 am
For example, I've spent almost a year now writing and re-writing the beginning of a story. Yesterday, I finally finished what might make a good prologue/first chapter. It clocks in at a pathetic 1179 words. For that much time and work and effort and pain. And I haven't even had anybody else read it yet. It's almost assuredly garbage, and I'm terrified of showing it to anyone.
A few things:

1) You finished your prologue/1st chapter! That's worth celebrating, so celebrate it!

2) Does word count really matter? I mean, the purpose of writing is to convey ideas, and I would think a prologue/1st chapter doesn't necessarily have to be overly long to accomplish that goal because you're just introducing your setting and/or the main character(s). If you can do that in 1100 words then, to me, that's perfectly fine. You can always add to it in the 2nd draft if you feel it necessary.

3) If it's not good, so what? It's a first draft; it doesn't have to be good, it just has to be on paper. You can change it later, once you've written the rest of the book. (You should write the rest of the book.)

4) Is it important for anyone to read your first draft? I feel like a 1st draft is something you're writing for your own review, once you've given the ideas time to settle and can look at it with a fresh perspective. You might even consider the 2nd draft as part of that process. I mean, you will probably want to have someone proof-read your work at some point, but you can hold off for the first couple of rewrites, I'd say.

Anyways, congrats on a successful Chapter 1!
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Wed Jun 13, 2018 6:44 am

I’m sorry about coming back so soon. I had wanted to take time off for self-care, but after the last few days, I just don’t want to feel alone. It doesn’t feel like a it’s been few days. it feels like it’s been a million years. This has been right up there with 2003 and 1995-96 as one of the worst years of my life and it’s not half-over yet.

I have to be strong to take care of my mother. I can’t afford to feel bad for myself, because my problems are nothing in comparison. And the entire world looks to be rapidly crumbling down at the same time. I’m so scared.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Wed Jun 13, 2018 7:49 am

You're always welcome here. Don't apologize, there is really no need to. Your feelings still matter, it's not a competition. Please take at least small breaks for your own needs. Burning out entirely wouldn't help you or your mom.

You're in my thoughts, I'm really rooting for you, Madeline.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:44 pm

I finally had time to check my messages. My therapist dropped me because I couldn’t come in as often as she wanted to make progress. Also, I had to spend the rest of my savings on an emergency bill. So I don’t think I’ll be able to get another therapist.

That’s it for my real life support network, right when I need it the most. Giving up isn’t an option when I have to take care of my mom. But I feel really defeated right now.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:54 pm

Oh geez, I didn't even know a therapist could drop you like that without further discussion. That's really rough. I'm sorry, Madeline. Please be safe. :fluttersmith:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Jun 16, 2018 6:21 pm

it’s partly my fault, because she had called more than once and I hadn’t caught any of the calls. She probably thought I was ghosting her but I’ve been split between home and the hospital so much over the last few weeks that I’ve put off anything that didn’t seem time critical. Also, I still hate using the phone, so it’s easy to ignore. :fluttersmith:

Maybe it isn’t allowed, I don’t know what the licensing board rules are. I don’t have the energy to deal with it right now either way.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Princess Flufflebutt (?) » Sat Jun 16, 2018 6:41 pm

Aw no. I'm sorry to hear that. :fluttersmith:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sat Jun 16, 2018 7:52 pm

You know what? I’m a terrible human being. I let people feel bad for me, but in reality, that story about the therapist is a bunch of lies. I never got a therapist last year because I knew I couldn’t afford it, but I felt that if I told people that, I’d be hounded even more to get a job so I could afford it. Plus I didn’t want anyone to worry about me, and I thought maybe I could get by on just the fluoxetine until I got a job.

My doctor really did refer me to one, but at the time, trying to cold call a stranger made me throw up. So I put it off. I put it off so long that I was too ashamed to tell anybody that I was too scared to call anyone, and I was too ashamed to admit it to anyone I knew.

But I hated myself for lying, so I made up that story about being dropped so I wouldn’t have to keep pretending. I didn’t think it would make people feel bad, but it did, so now I feel even worse for eliciting sympathy I don’t even deserve.

I’m sorry. I don’t know if I can even make that kind of shit up to anybody. I won’t blame anybody for refusing to believe anything I say, and I won’t blame anybody if they won’t like or trust me ever again. I’m garbage.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sat Jun 16, 2018 8:46 pm

When I was fresh out of high school and starting college, I had a stress induced mental breakdown partway through the semester. I stopped going to classes altogether, but continuously told my parents that everything was fine whenever they would call to check on me. I was just so ashamed of my failure that I couldn't bring myself to even go to the readily available campus therapist for help. When they finally found out, they were more concerned about my wellbeing than anything else. After a year, I tried again, this time going to a local university so I didn't have to move out of my parents' house. And the same thing happened again. I stopped going to classes, and lied directly to my parents' faces for months on end. When everything came to light, my parents were disappointed and a bit angry, yeah, but they never stopped supporting me or caring about me, and certainly never thought that I was garbage.

Mental illness makes us do stupid, harmful things, but its ourselves who take the brunt of the harm, rather than those around us. The insidious part is how our minds twist that to make us think that if anyone ever learns the truth, that they'll believe that we're garbage just like we ourselves think we're garbage. The reality is that people care about us, and are more concerned than angry about our lies, because they mean that we've been suffering in silence and haven't been able to get help, even from those closest to us. Just remember that you're not alone in this, and that others, myself included, have been though very similar things and made very similar mistakes. The fact that you've been able to come clean about this is a good thing! It's a step towards progress and healing, and I don't think anyone here is going to begrudge you that.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Sat Jun 16, 2018 9:45 pm

Madeline, having anxiety about stuff doesn't mean anything about your worth as a person, and as Perpetual Lurker said, being honest at a time like this is a great step and I'm proud of your bravery here.

Mental illness is an illness. If someone couldn't do something because they had the flu, or some more chronic illness, that doesn't make them garbage, it just makes them sick.

I don't know your exact situation, but if money and phones are an issue, can you send emails and/or webforms to ask about sliding scale plans with various therapists/psychologists in your area? I know I was more comfortable filling out a form than having a phone conversation the times I've looked for a therapist.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sat Jun 16, 2018 11:58 pm

On my end of things, I'm starting to think that a month won't be enough time to get back on my feet. Maybe if my doctor was immediately available for medication tweaks I'd be able to get back on my feet in a month, but the earliest I can see them is near the end of July, and it's pretty clear that my meds just aren't working anymore, if my rapid manic and depressive swings are any indication. Luckily extending my leave is pretty simple. I just feel bad about it, though.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Jun 17, 2018 6:25 am

I don’t know what I can realistically do right now. I have no income and no savings, and I’m the one running the household, doing chores, cleaning, laundry, etc. while my mom is sick.

Plus now she’s sick again, running a fever and throwing up, which happened a few weeks ago. Every Saturday night she gets sick, and I lay there listening for it and having panic attacks. I can’t take this but I have to or everyone else will fall apart without me.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Jun 17, 2018 7:49 am

I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t be feeling bad for myself right now.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Sun Jun 17, 2018 8:54 am

You're more than allowed to struggle with the situation. Anyone would. It cannot be said enough: You are not a worse human being for struggling, or for feeling bad about the situation. It's very normal.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Jun 17, 2018 5:42 pm

I do hope that when things have settled down a bit here, that I can get back into therapy for real. My diagnoses are real, they came straight from the last psychiatrist I saw when I was in college. I know I’m not doing well, my self-esteem is horrible, and there are a lot of things to work out. I’m sorry to keep troubling people here, but thank you all for being so kind.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Sun Jun 17, 2018 7:16 pm

You deserve that kindness, you always do. :hug:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Jun 18, 2018 1:28 am

So I broached the topic of taking even more time off from work with my parents. They weren't exactly opposed to it but they pointed out that if I want to get my meds adjusted and wait long enough to see if the new meds are working, I'd need to take off at least until the end of August. And that's if everything goes well with the new stuff. I'm probably still going to do it, but I can't shake the feeling that they're disappointed in me for not being able to pick myself up like I have in the past.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perrydotto (?) » Mon Jun 18, 2018 7:13 am

You said correctly in your previous post that obsessing over whether your parents resent you or not only sabotaged your efforts. I know how hard it is not to keep obsessing over that thought, but please try not to. They don't need to be thrilled about it all in order to have your back, still, and that's the part that matters. Also see what your doctor says re: meds to help you plan.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Weird Autumn (?) » Tue Jun 19, 2018 4:53 pm

Half an hour from the end of my shift and I find out I'm staying an extra hour because they didn't bother to schedule someone else until then. Fuckin real cool guys. That's super rad. Good stuff there. Awesome work.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Dragoness (?) » Wed Jun 20, 2018 8:39 pm

I owe a few people around here an apology.

I'm putting the rest of this behind a hideaway b/c I know there's people around here who reading this will only hurt, not help. It's not directed at them and they don't have to read it.
a lot of this is old history, and honestly I'm not even sure how many of the people this most needs to reach even hang out here anymore, but... I'm still trying

I fucked up, a lot. I've been an abusive asshole of a bad friend to a lot of people. I'm overly aggressive and rude and don't know when or how to stop. I get angry at the drop of a hat over dumb things. I didn't respond to criticism well at all, to the point it makes people afraid to even try to say anything to correct it... and I shouldn't blame them.

I have trouble not doing that. It's not fair to them, or me, and I know this. But there's that part of my mind that's stuck on "if only someone had said something". But people already had. I wouldn't have listened, I didn't listen. It wouldn't have changed anything, it didn't change anything. It took something really drastic happening for me to listen, and by then, it was too late.

I was afraid of losing friends, so when people started limiting contact I acted out... in anger. In fear. The only way i know how to respond to fear is with anger, and it's not healthy. And it only made things worse. I became what I always feared. All the flaws I saw in my dad, and swore I wouldn't repeat his mistakes, are exactly the flaws that almost destroyed myself and everyone around me. But I'm not him, and refuse to be him, and there's one mistake I refuse to make. He knows about his flaws and refuses to do anything. I refuse to not try to fix me.

I've got a lot of mess to clean up... and even more I have to accept I can't do anything about. I can't change the past, I can't fix the broken bridges. I can only change the future... at least, with the people willing to give me the chance to do so. I know I haven't made it easy for people to want to give me that chance, to feel safe doing so, and honestly, I can't blame anybody who isn't willing to give me another chance now. I'm not sure I even deserve the chance at a second... or third... or nth chance. But I've been working, really hard, on listening to criticism and fixing things and I think I've made progress... and I know I've got a lot more to make. I'm on the hunt for actual, professional help so friends don't have to shoulder burdens that it's unfair to put on them in the first place.

I'm sorry.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Jun 21, 2018 1:43 pm

I have an appointment with my doctor for next Tuesday. Even if I can’t make therapy work right now, my prescriptions are covered by my insurance, so I can at least get them adjusted again. I’ve been so upset and stressed out that I don’t feel like the fluoxetine is doing anything anymore, and maybe getting an add-on or a higher dose will help.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Thu Jun 21, 2018 1:52 pm

Good luck, Madeline. Hope the adjustment can at least help.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Fri Jun 22, 2018 11:04 am

I just got some blood work back, and the results were... not good. My bad cholesterol and triglycerides are way too high, and I'm going to have to go on a diet and take medication to control them. This is only compounded by my mental health problems, since I've been leaning on comfort foods for a long time now, and cutting them out is going to suck. I don't even know if I have the self control necessary to stick to a diet. I rarely have the discipline to stick to anything else.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sat Jun 23, 2018 10:51 pm

I spent all of today sleeping rather than do anything. I'm such a clingy asshole that some part of me resents the people in my life who have actual things going on in their lives and can't spend all of their time keeping me company so I don't go insane and never leave my room. I'm just a broken human being who wants to spread their brokenness onto others. It's probably why I don't have any real friends outside of the internet and my brother. Everything I do or want is a mistake that I don't know how to fix. Hell, even this post is probably a mistake, since it's nothing new from me and we've probably been over this a million times in the past. It's just that here and my weekly therapist appointments are the only places I can actually talk to people about my problems, and my therapist is only available for the 30 minutes we spend talking every week. All I can really do otherwise is try and force myself to write things that nobody will ever read because I'm too much of a coward to ever post any of it, and distract myself with video games and youtube videos. I'm supposed to be good at problem solving, but I can't think my way out of this, no matter how hard I try.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Quanta (?) » Sun Jun 24, 2018 12:15 am

Perpetual Lurker wrote:
Sat Jun 23, 2018 10:51 pm
I spent all of today sleeping rather than do anything. I'm such a clingy asshole that some part of me resents the people in my life who have actual things going on in their lives and can't spend all of their time keeping me company so I don't go insane and never leave my room. I'm just a broken human being who wants to spread their brokenness onto others. It's probably why I don't have any real friends outside of the internet and my brother. Everything I do or want is a mistake that I don't know how to fix. Hell, even this post is probably a mistake, since it's nothing new from me and we've probably been over this a million times in the past. It's just that here and my weekly therapist appointments are the only places I can actually talk to people about my problems, and my therapist is only available for the 30 minutes we spend talking every week. All I can really do otherwise is try and force myself to write things that nobody will ever read because I'm too much of a coward to ever post any of it, and distract myself with video games and youtube videos. I'm supposed to be good at problem solving, but I can't think my way out of this, no matter how hard I try.
Something they've been hammering into our heads in group therapy is to actually go out and do stuff that involves other people. It doesn't have to be friends, it just has to be people, and it doesn't even have to involve interaction; just being in the presence of others is often enough. Do it even if you don't want to, since you're not going to be magically motivated anyway just sitting around feeling sorry for yourself.

Obviously this is going to depend largely on what's available in your community, and possibly involves you spending money to access an activity, though there's still options. You could just go to the library, for instance. You'd probably also want to gauge if a given activity/location is LGBT-friendly before going there.

For myself, we have a community art studio in the area where people can hang out and do all kinds of art stuff--painting, drawing, writing, there's even a couple of guitars around--and it's specifically designated as a safe space that anyone in our community is able to attend. Perhaps you could find something similar?
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Jill (?) » Sun Jun 24, 2018 1:15 am

I completely get the feeling of being stuck in the "small pond" so to speak. I've been told I need to get out more for all of my life and I still don't know what that's actually supposed to mean. Even if I could get to some mythical socially active place on my own, it's not like I could show up without inevitably being the lurker who just finds a place to sit alone do stuff on their phone while masterfully deflecting almost any topic of conversation despite trying not to.

I've long stopped treating "getting out more" as the solution to "needing to get out more". In this day and age, I don't know what combination of person and place can make that work and produce anything other than exhaustion, but I am definitely the wrong person. In the real world all I really know how to do is listen, and the talkative ones tend to think I'm boring or flat-out trying to ignore them. (My last therapist even noticed that, somehow, directing my attention away from a conversation helps me focus on it. We had one session where I wanted to get some FEH stuff out of the way while we talked, and he seemed surprised at how much more open and talkative I was despite appearing to be absorbed in my phone.)

Ultimately I've started to question whether having a "real" social life would even make my future any brighter. I've spent most of my life with a craving for another person to spend it with, sure, but if that craving hasn't killed me or anything by now then maybe it never will. All I really have to do is take a deep breath and put my mind elsewhere and find another aspect of life to appreciate. I mean for one thing, if I still know what it's like to crave being alone then I'm not about to start taking it for granted.

this is kinda rambling and i don't know what i was getting at sorry :fluttershrug:

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