RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Bigdog (?) » Wed Sep 11, 2019 10:08 pm

Octavia wrote:
Tue Sep 10, 2019 3:54 pm
despite staying on a strict 1400-calories-per-day diet and playing hockey for 4.5 hours a week, I've only been able to drop one measly pound over the last 2 weeks.
might be a derail but I gotta say I'm astonished that this is thermodynamically possible for a typical adult male

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Bigdog (?) » Wed Sep 11, 2019 10:21 pm

ToastGhost wrote:
Wed Sep 11, 2019 6:47 pm
Yeah, meds will do that at times, I remember I gained about 20 pounds on Lexapro and then another goddamn 50 on whatever horrible thing they switched me to. :bluh:

But uh, reason I'm here is because I've been having some mental difficulties, and after talking it out with the family we decided I should probably check into the hospital tomorrow. I've been putting it off for... too long, just because my last hospital stay ended up setting me back so far. :fluttersmith: I'm hoping and imagining this time will be better. Should be a better hospital with a better psychiatric ward. Maybe I'll get some deep brain stimulation or ketamine this time around. That'd be nice.

Hope y'all feel better too. :flutterunsmith:
Best of luck. You are loved, though I'm sure you don't need to be told that

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Quanta (?) » Thu Sep 12, 2019 8:08 am

Had my therapist appointment a week ago and since that time I've felt like complete shit. It basically came back to the idea that he can't really help me because I don't really do anything so there's nothing for us to work on. This was the same day I had another discussion with my sister about the problems the homeless are causing for residents in the areas around their tent city, a conversation that left me pretty upset since I empathize with the homeless and the suffering they endure since I can easily see myself being homeless myself.

Combine all that with my social media just being a complete shitshow--my regular account goes mostly unused even after pruning a bunch of accounts because Leftist Twitter is just an unending parade of depressing shit, while my NSFW Twitter is mostly tits, but has the occasional reactionary garbage that just gets my blood boiling--and me just generally feeling unwanted and unloved, and you have the recipe for a nervous breakdown brewing. Right now it's a question of whether it's going to be something on social media, on Discord, or at a family gathering. All of those seem likely. I'm just starting to feel mentally exhausted and low on empathy at this point.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Octavia (?) » Thu Sep 12, 2019 10:54 am

Bigdog wrote:
Wed Sep 11, 2019 10:08 pm
might be a derail but I gotta say I'm astonished that this is thermodynamically possible for a typical adult male
Yeah in college I lost 130 lbs, so I know how to effectively lose weight and this is baffling to me. Apparently Lexapro somehow decreases the number of calories out.

So if you're ever on a deserted island with no food, but lots of escitalopram, take it and you'll be able to survive longer. :v:
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Sep 13, 2019 1:14 am

I can’t find a single psychiatrist who is taking any new patients and who also accepts my insurance. None of the referrals I got from the doctor’s office planned out. Not one. I can’t afford to pay even a sliding scale fee because I’m fucking broke.

Mental health care in this country is a fucking joke. I’m fucking done with everything. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and burned out.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:37 am

If you're in the US: Rather than a blind referral from your doctor, I would suggest trying to find a psychiatrist taking your insurance and new patients on a site like Psychology Today or your insurance's website. If your insurance somehow requires a referral then I guess take options back to tour doctor and ask for referrals to those maybe?
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Octavia (?) » Fri Sep 13, 2019 12:55 pm

The wait list for a psych screening for me was like 3 months, so I got a therapist who isn't a doctor, then had the doctor who does my annual physicals prescribe me with meds. There are plenty of therapists that aren't MDs who can help and I've actually had better success with them than the one psychiatrist I had who barely talked to me and was pretty much just trying to throw pills at me.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Sun Sep 15, 2019 12:43 am

diribigal wrote:
Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:37 am
If you're in the US: Rather than a blind referral from your doctor, I would suggest trying to find a psychiatrist taking your insurance and new patients on a site like Psychology Today or your insurance's website. If your insurance somehow requires a referral then I guess take options back to tour doctor and ask for referrals to those maybe?
Octavia wrote:
Fri Sep 13, 2019 12:55 pm
The wait list for a psych screening for me was like 3 months, so I got a therapist who isn't a doctor, then had the doctor who does my annual physicals prescribe me with meds. There are plenty of therapists that aren't MDs who can help and I've actually had better success with them than the one psychiatrist I had who barely talked to me and was pretty much just trying to throw pills at me.
That’s the problem. My doctor is insisting on me seeing a psychiatrist because she doesn’t feel comfortable prescribing me psych meds. I don’t even want to go to a psychiatrist after the last 3 I had to see over the last year. I’m still having nightmares about going to that clinic, I hated it so much.

I’m jumping through hoops to make someone else happy and I don’t want to do it any more. But my doctor won’t renew my citalopram prescription otherwise.

I’d see a therapist again, if I clicked with them, but I don’t trust any psychiatrists right now after what I went through.

Oh, and the state commission did jack and shit to the one I reported, so that’s another reason I’m pissed off and depressed.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Sep 16, 2019 1:08 am

Sometimes I wish my creative drive would just die already. Wanting to create but not being able to due to a combination of both physical and mental health problems is either a huge contributor to my depression, or some sort of awful co-equal source of agony. I'll never be able to do more than that short story I did months ago (which wasn't any good, anyway). All I can do is leave half-finished and orphaned projects in my wake.

The only thing I have to look forward to is my appointment with the gastroenterologist this week. Maybe I'll get some answers or ideas about what's wrong with me, though I'm sure the solution won't exactly be forthcoming.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Mon Sep 16, 2019 7:59 pm

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Mon Sep 16, 2019 1:08 am
Sometimes I wish my creative drive would just die already. Wanting to create but not being able to due to a combination of both physical and mental health problems is either a huge contributor to my depression, or some sort of awful co-equal source of agony. I'll never be able to do more than that short story I did months ago (which wasn't any good, anyway). All I can do is leave half-finished and orphaned projects in my wake.

The only thing I have to look forward to is my appointment with the gastroenterologist this week. Maybe I'll get some answers or ideas about what's wrong with me, though I'm sure the solution won't exactly be forthcoming.
You’re catastophizing and going to an extreme again re: creativity. Also, fwiw, I’ve never met an artist who was always completely satisfied with everything they did who was also any good. It’s always easier for the creator to see the flaws in their own work.

Also, the psych to whom my PCP referred me had a cancellation, so they managed to schedule me for an appointment in November. One less thing for me to worry about.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Mon Sep 16, 2019 10:50 pm

Madeline wrote:
Mon Sep 16, 2019 7:59 pm
You’re catastophizing and going to an extreme again re: creativity. Also, fwiw, I’ve never met an artist who was always completely satisfied with everything they did who was also any good. It’s always easier for the creator to see the flaws in their own work.

Also, the psych to whom my PCP referred me had a cancellation, so they managed to schedule me for an appointment in November. One less thing for me to worry about.
Speaking as an artist, the first point is spot-on.

Also, glad you have an appointment! :party:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Tue Sep 17, 2019 11:41 pm

I guess I'm just freaking out because I'm hitting what would be an idea-filled and productive week (barring some horrible anxiety episode)... except I'm too sick to do anything but lay in bed and be miserable. Like, I want to write so bad that I'm literally dreaming up stories constantly as I take naps throughout the day. But I can hardly spend time sitting up, much less get myself into the right frame of mind to actually put these ideas to virtual paper. That's why it feels like things would be easier if I just wasn't creative at all. Then I wouldn't be disappointing myself constantly. Putting myself down like that is kinda a defense mechanism in this case. If my work isn't worth anything, then nothing is lost by me not working.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Thu Sep 19, 2019 1:40 am

Putting yourself down is an unhealthy behavior and possibly a response to abuse (if you make yourself feel bad first, no one else can). And you’re losing the experience of working, and of finding what works and what doesn’t.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Thu Sep 19, 2019 2:08 am

I don't think I've been abused. My family cares a lot about me. I just feel so awful about letting them down all the time that it's hard to mentally justify treating myself with any sort of respect or confidence.

Well, unless you count a childhood of high expectations and pressure as abuse. Whether they intended to or not, my parents always "encouraged" me to do my best and excel in my studies because I'm smart and have tons of potential. One event that's burned into my mind (though my parents don't remember it when I talk to them about it) is back in elementary or middle school, I had always been a straight-A student. Then I brought home a report card with a B on it, and my parents questioned me on it. "What happened? Why did you get a B?" That kind of thing. I felt awful about it. My parents didn't punish me or anything. They were just concerned. That kinda set the tone for my childhood, though. Whenever I would mess up in school, I took it really badly, because I knew I was letting my parents down. And then things kinda spiraled downward from there, and I developed anxiety and depression over time that eventually resulted in my flunking out of two attempts at college and losing a good few jobs. So, yeah, the put downs almost seem logical at this point. I know they're not healthy, but I just can't help myself sometimes. Not really sure how to get over it.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Thu Sep 19, 2019 5:01 pm

On the stomach issues front: I saw the gastroenterologist today. Yay! He wants to do an endoscopy to check out my throat and stomach in a few weeks. Not so yay. I really don't want to wait that long, but there's nothing I can do about it. The real kicker, though? If the scope doesn't turn up anything, he wants to take me off of my HRT, since apparently it can mess with your GI tract and the way it builds up in your system can account for the sudden onset of symptoms despite having been on it for over a year now. Suffice it to say that I am not happy about that prospect.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Bigdog (?) » Thu Sep 19, 2019 7:53 pm

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Thu Sep 19, 2019 5:01 pm
On the stomach issues front: I saw the gastroenterologist today. Yay! He wants to do an endoscopy to check out my throat and stomach in a few weeks. Not so yay. I really don't want to wait that long, but there's nothing I can do about it. The real kicker, though? If the scope doesn't turn up anything, he wants to take me off of my HRT, since apparently it can mess with your GI tract and the way it builds up in your system can account for the sudden onset of symptoms despite having been on it for over a year now. Suffice it to say that I am not happy about that prospect.
Yeah, you may have already thought of this but I'd definitely try to get a second opinion before you do that, both from another gastroenterologist and also from the HRT people

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Fri Sep 20, 2019 1:46 am

Bigdog wrote:
Thu Sep 19, 2019 7:53 pm
Yeah, you may have already thought of this but I'd definitely try to get a second opinion before you do that, both from another gastroenterologist and also from the HRT people
Yeah, agreed. My doctor found out I had GERD by testing me after my psych didn’t think my nausea and heartburn were anything to be concerned about, but it’s easily managed with OTC meds and a careful diet. Leaping straight to “we’ll stop HRT” sounds kinda sketch to me.

You’ve probably already considered this, but just in case: some antidepressants and mood stabilizers can have severe nausea as a side effect, and side effects can manifest at any time. Maybe a different combo of meds or adjusted dosages would help?

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Fri Sep 20, 2019 2:09 am

I've already tapered off of a bunch of my psych meds, partially because they just weren't working for me, and partially to see if it helps my nausea at all. In a few days I'll be off of my lithium, meaning that I'm down to just two psych meds from like six, which is honestly a relief. I'm definitely going to make a few phone calls and see if I can get some more conclusive info on whether or not my HRT could be the problem. I couldn't help but get the feeling that the doctor I saw today was against the HRT on principle, considering how he reacted to it and questioned me on it. Thanks for all the advice!

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Sep 23, 2019 9:26 pm

I thought I'd be able to handle criticism better than this. I showed some of my writing around on SA, and got some pretty detailed critiques. It's not even like they're cruel or mean or anything! The biggest one even ends with "I hope you continue writing"! And yet here I am completely devastated by the fact that my fear that what I had written wasn't very good in the slightest was completely true. I knew it was true months ago. I mean it has to be, right? Nobody starts out magically good at anything. Then why am I crying alone in my room contemplating giving up entirely? I'm such a thin-skinned, weak-willed piece of trash.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Skipper (?) » Mon Sep 23, 2019 9:54 pm

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Sep 23, 2019 10:08 pm

I mean, I have literally nothing to connect my identity to. I have no skills, nothing of value to offer to anyone, and writing has been the closest thing to a passion I've had in the past year. I poured my heart into this thing, and it sucks. The critiques were detailed, and while not objective, I couldn't disagree with any of it. I feel so stupid for not seeing all the problems there, and now I have to choose between redoing the whole thing or moving on to something else. No idea what that something else may be.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Skipper (?) » Mon Sep 23, 2019 10:11 pm

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Skipper (?) » Mon Sep 23, 2019 10:16 pm

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Sep 23, 2019 10:18 pm

What am I supposed to do? Stick my fingers in my ears and pretend my newbie work is spotless? If multiple people have similar problems with my work, no one counters them, and I can see the problems in retrospect, then I'm inclined to believe them.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Skipper (?) » Mon Sep 23, 2019 10:45 pm

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Mon Sep 23, 2019 10:48 pm

Calmed down a bit. Sorry about all that. Managed to make a good natured response to the critiques on SA. Still really mad at myself for not doing better, but I'll improve. I hope.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Skipper (?) » Mon Sep 23, 2019 11:03 pm

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. :hug:

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Sat Sep 28, 2019 10:08 pm

In really bad shape right now. Thought that getting over my physical illness would help things, but if anything I've gotten worse. Didn't leave my room or eat anything today. Can't sleep unless I stay up so late that I pass out from exhaustion, and even then that sleep doesn't leave me feeling even the slightest bit rested afterwards. No idea what to do about any of this. I can't even identify the root thoughts of the depressive episode like I normally can. Whether that's because I'm not in any shape to think clearly or if something else is going on, I have no clue. I hate this. I just want to sleep. I just want all of this to be over.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by diribigal (?) » Sat Sep 28, 2019 11:42 pm

Even if you can't sleep the way you'd like, try to eat and drink a reasonable amount. If someone (family members?) can help, enlist their help. being malnourished and lacking sleep is a dangerous combination. Sorry you're dealing with this and I hope you get better soon.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Oct 02, 2019 1:42 am

An update:
Had my endoscopy today, and it turns out I have a hiatal hernia. Not uncommon or serious, but that lack of seriousness also means it doesn't warrant any treatment beyond just medicating my acid reflux and related symptoms. Which means that I'm just going to have to live with it. It also doesn't really explain my other bowel problems very well, and I wasn't lucid enough coming out of the procedure to ask about that then. Going to have to wait a month for the followup. Overall I'm relieved that it's not a big deal, but also annoyed that nothing can be done.

Still having sleep troubles, but I'm making an effort to eat at least two small meals a day, which is a step up from the last few months. Hopefully my mental state will improve somewhat.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by The Ghost of Ember (?) » Wed Oct 02, 2019 2:21 am

Looking at it, hiatal hernia has comorbidity with GERD, which from personal experience can cause all sorts of bowel dysfunction.

If you're sleeping but not getting rest / having excessive daytime sleepiness you need to see a sleep specialist. Sleep apnea in particular has comorbidity with GERD.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Oct 02, 2019 2:44 am

Oh, I already know I have sleep apnea and I already have a machine for it. I'm just dealing with run of the mill insomnia right now. Probably depression or anxiety related. Who the hell knows anymore.

I'll ask about GERD, though. Thanks for the tip.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Fri Oct 04, 2019 3:31 am

I think I'm getting an idea for what the problem is for my insomnia. For some reason, night is when I'm most comfortable and calm. Things are quiet, I can just surf the internet in peace and be alone. Nothing needs done. I don't want to quit and let it end. Like, it's the best self-care I've got, but it's also actively extremely unhealthy and harmful. I hate my messed up head.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Bigdog (?) » Fri Oct 04, 2019 10:55 pm

Perpetual Motion wrote:
Fri Oct 04, 2019 3:31 am
I think I'm getting an idea for what the problem is for my insomnia. For some reason, night is when I'm most comfortable and calm. Things are quiet, I can just surf the internet in peace and be alone. Nothing needs done. I don't want to quit and let it end. Like, it's the best self-care I've got, but it's also actively extremely unhealthy and harmful. I hate my messed up head.
That is... extremely relatable.

Except for the part where my nights are also relatively stressful because I know I need to be getting stuff done for work, but like, at least I don't need to have pants on

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Oct 09, 2019 12:27 am

I am completely losing control of my life at this point. Woke up today in the midst of the worst anxiety attack I've had in recent memory, with on discernible source to deal with. After about an hour of tossing and turning and failing to calm down or go back to sleep, I finally managed to summon the willpower to get up and take my emergency anxiety meds, which calmed the worst symptoms, but still left me shaken and anxious about the anxiety. As a result, I remained in bed through dinner and still haven't eaten anything at all today. I don't know what to do. It just feels like I'm getting worse and worse day by day and I can't figure out why and nobody has any idea how to help me. My parents ask me on a daily basis if there's anything they can do for me, and I have no idea what to say to them. The only "good" thing that's happened with me lately is that my mom insists that I'm much more lucid and coherent after tapering off of my lithium, though I'm not feeling any different by my own perception.

I don't want to end up in the hospital again. That place is hell. There's nothing to do and you're more or less stuck in a room with people in far worse mental shape than you and it's honestly rather harrowing. I'm just afraid that if things keep going the way they're going, I'm not going to have a choice.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Skipper (?) » Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:48 pm

I know nothing and I should not ever pretend to know anything.
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Perpetual Motion (?) » Wed Oct 09, 2019 9:26 pm

As the person you were talking to in the aforementioned deleted posts, I'd just like to say that I don't think you did any harm, either. I was just in a really bad place and wasn't going to be receptive to any advice. I still don't agree with your viewpoint or approach to the situation, but was it harmful? Not really. Nothing short of "yeah, you suck, just give up!" would have been really harmful to me at that point.

I appreciate that you wanted to help and are willing to talk about your reasoning behind said help, though. Thanks.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Skipper (?) » Thu Oct 10, 2019 5:49 am

Thanks for your reply, Perpetual Motion. A contradictory approach, as I used, is not always suitable, and I will work on my situational awareness to better adapt in the future.

Luckily, life is not about the mistakes we make but how we correct them.

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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Madeline (?) » Tue Oct 15, 2019 11:42 pm

Been having an extremely rough week already. Posting helped a lot yesterday, so thank you.

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Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2017 11:00 pm
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Location: Tennessee
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Re: RUSP: Rainbow Unicorn Sunshine Palace 3: Getting Better Every Day

Post by Mr. Big (?) » Wed Oct 16, 2019 12:00 am

Madeline wrote:
Tue Oct 15, 2019 11:42 pm
Been having an extremely rough week already. Posting helped a lot yesterday, so thank you.
Sorry you're having a tough time. Hope you're doing better now! Glad posting here has helped :flutterunsmith:

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